Monday, April 02, 2007

I Want to Scream

My husband, Alex died Sunday evening around 5:30 pm. Do not even think about judging me. We have been separated but I always cared for him. He was just impossible to live with. He was totally obsessed with me. Now he's gone and I feel a tremendous loss. There was a time in my life when I thought I was so repulsive to any man, I had been deserted, not just me, but my 4 children as well, and of course it had to be my fault. This man came along who cared for me and in a moment of weakness I married him. I cared for him until I couldn't do it any longer and now he is dead. I alternate between wanting to scream and God forgive me incredible relief that is is over. The next couple of days is going to be incredibly hard. There will be those who will be quick to judge and condem me. They didn't live my life. They have no idea. My father used to say "NEVER judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes!" Alex is in the arms of his mother now, content at last. I will take his ashes to our favourite place and spread them there.

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